Well, I am potentially halfway done with chemotherapy as of today. I am getting a CT scan on December 23rd, and depending on those results Dr Hodson will decide to do a total of 6 or 8 cycles. If she goes with the 6 cycles, then today was the halfway point, yay (6 treatments in, 6 to go!).
At this point in the treatment, I feel entitled to do some complaining, so I have compiled a list of things I hate. For a cheerier update, I'm going to post a note on Facebook, so if you don't feel like reading my whining, check there.
Things I Hate:
1. Dexamethasone. I hate the way it makes me feel weak and dizzy and I hate the after taste in my mouth and how it makes me gain weight and I hate how it contributes to my...
2. ...inability to sleep. Can't fall asleep, and can't stay asleep. Which doesn't help the...
3. ...fatigue. Emma (aka emaclrkschnfdt) can attest to the fact that I am no stranger to sleep deprivation.... (as Laura put it once, "give up, it's hopeless!"), but this is fatigue on a level that sleep can't really significantly help. Bone deep fatigue that can hit any time, anywhere. Speaking of bones....
4. ...Neulasta shots and the associated bone pain. I know that the Neulasta helps me keep a normal level of white blood cells (I was dangerously neutropenic after the first treatment), but damn, it makes my back hurt for four or five days. And it gives me back spasms.
5. I hate that I can smell the chemo on me for days and days afterwards. It makes me feel sick.
6. Saline flushes. It's just salt water that they use to flush out the port before and after each drug is administered, but it tastes GROSS (after it's injected, I can taste it in my mouth immediatly). Strangely, it doesn't taste salty, it tastes chemically and metallic. Until this week, I just thought it was kind of gross, but today I had a really bad reaction and nearly threw up. How pathetic would it be if the only drug in this whole process that make me puke was the freaking salt water???
7. My port. I have a love/hate relationship with the thing. Three of the chemo drugs I"m on are so toxic that they can't be administered through anything but a port, and the port makes it so the nurses don't have to search for a vein, but today they couldn't get the port accessed right because it had turned itself on its side in my chest. It took them six needles to get it accessed.
8. In this vein (har har), I also hate having the nurses search for veins in my arms. It took them four tries yesterday. Apparently I have hard-to-find veins.
9. I hate ABVD. I hate how it makes my heart race (weirdest feeling ever), and I hate how I can smell it everywhere, and I hate the fevers and the dizziness and the disorientation and the lack of ability to focus and the sleeplessness and the way it affects my taste buds and my appetite and my hair...
10. ...which is not falling out as quickly as I would like. It fell out very very very very quickly while it was still shoulder-length, but as soon as I buzzed it down it's coming out slowly. I'd like for it to be just GONE, already.
11. Finally, I am sick of the line, "If you're going to have a cancer, Hodgkins is the one to have!" i know that most people with cancer have worse experiences than me, and I know that I have a cancer with a roughly 84% cure rate, but that's still not a line I want to hear. "If you're going to get crushed by a car, you might as well get crushed by a BMW." "If you're going to get hit in the head by a large falling object, meteorites are the way to go because they're awesome!" Doesn't work that way, people.
OK, I'm done complaining. I just felt entitled, as I've tried to keep the complaining to a minimum before today.
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7 comments:
you're definitely entitled to complain! i hope the CT scan goes well. did you decide what you're doing for school next semester? miss you!
disregard my question. i just read your earlier post. :)
Yeah, Em. It's kind of a relief to hear you let it all out, since I was kind of like "well academically this should all be completely miserable...but I guess I shouldn't really ask that question, because if she's NOT miserable then why in the world would I want to go 'but Emily, doesn't it SUCK? LIKE A LOT?'" Yeah. So. Let it out.
I'm so sorry for all of the things you hate, especially the things that aren't to be expected like your port turning over and causing to you be extra-stabbed. It sounds like insult to injury, right, and sometimes...just blech. It's really odd trying to express how much I feel angry about all this, when I can't even imagine the physical reality of it all for you. I'd like to give you a head massage and wrap you in blankets and grade random papers for you (hahaha poor suckers), but then again that head massage might make you feel icky.
Well, *HUGS* anyways. Go-go for the six-treatment result!
I disagree with you on only one point: meteor has always been my preferred way to go. And I totally agree with Devin. Venting is healthy and you are definitely entitled to do so.
See you in a week or so!
Bonjour Emily,
Well it is a really odd occasion to say hi to you! Well Hi from France my dear Emily. You have visitors from all over the world! You are beeing REEEAAALLLYYY brave here... I mean, I thought the 2 C-sections I have had were heavy surgery. See how chicken I am... complaining is your absolute right here. hope you are going for the 6 treatments. We will go on reading you; We miss you et Bon courage.
Cécile Fabrice, Grégoire and William RUDE
Emily, I want to echo the sentiments of everyone else-- COMPLAIN AWAY!!! Just from reading your blog I get the impression you are wonder woman and don't want any of us to know!
Your class load, TAing, grading papers etc sounds like enough all by itself. To top that off with chemo, yucky and icky tastes and smells, dizziness, fatigue, lack of sleep, etc etc is quite the heavy load! And let me tell you, Wonder Woman has a right to complain! :)
Emily, the next time that someone tells you that Hodgkin's is the cancer to have, you MUST tell them to get run over by a BMW. Without any explanation.
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